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Tuesday
Jan112011

A Smother Mother Confession

My childhood friend once shared a term that is so fitting for me that I should get a vanity licence plate... "Smother Mother." 

I say I want to stop being one, but deep inside I find it hard to let go.  There are nights I lay in bed wondering how the hell my Mom ever raised three girls alone.  How did she find the outlet to bounce the anxiety of watching us grow and make mistakes but still protecting us the best she could. 

When my boys were first born I thought THAT was the scariest times.  You know when they were so tiny and small and I was trying to decipher cries to understand what they were upset about?  And I finally did.  I knew by a certain look what either one of them needed.  But then they grow older; Six to be exact is how old my first born is and I don't know how to decipher his moods sometimes. 

It scares me.  I mean I know he is only six.

But..

His personality unravels almost daily revealing more and more of him and less of the little boy that always needs me to decipher his cries. 

I am not ready.  I know now that him being tiny and brand new was so much easier than him wanting to figure out his environment without my help.

And all of these emotions in my head stemmed from an ice skating session with him a week ago.  The first three times we went skating, we skated together.  He was always looking for my hand when he fell.  I taught him how to balance, to stop, to go the wall for breaks, etc.  I was always there preventing him from falling, and every time he did fall we always went back skating hand in hand.  Then when we went skating the fourth time he tried skating on his own, and he did it, he skated all on his own. 

He didn't look for my hand anymore. 

As silly as that sounds, it made me so aware of how this is only the beginning. It made it real that I am here to help him learn and grow but I need to learn to let go.

But I will always be holding my hand out for him to help him back up should he fall, whether he wants it there or not.
(still one of my favorite photos ever taken of Donnie and I)

Reader Comments (2)

Oh Kim, I understand this post like you wouldn't believe. I felt that was this past summer when my 4 year old ( almost 5, *sniff sniff*) learned to swing by herself. I was telling my friend how different the playground was going to be this summer, I could just sit , she doesn't need me to push her anymore. And then it hit me. She didn't NEED me anymore. Yeah it was just for swinging, but it was a little glimpse to what the next few years would be like. Its normal. You want your kids to be confident and have independence. But it is as sad as all get out.

Wed, January 12 | Unregistered Commenterjessica

I can't say I understand. I'm not a mother. I can imagine this is hard, though. I know you'll find your way. <3

Wed, January 12 | Unregistered CommenterKellee

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